45 Hilarious Marriage Tweets That Prove Tying The Knot Can Be FunBy Amanda Cooper
Marriage is a learning curve. No matter how long a couple has dated, once they’re married, they’ll discover habits and traits that have never been present or noticed before. Some common things happen so often it becomes a walking joke. Things like leaving the toilet seat up, hogging the bed covers, changing the thermostat, and not sharing fries. It’s like meeting a whole new person, even though they are literally the same person. Talking about it can help, but sometimes it just goes in one ear and out of the other. But it’s mostly things people learn to live with, leading to some pretty hilarious moments. Some of them have been shared on social media, and here, we find some entertaining cases and delve into what makes them so compelling.
What’s Yours Is Mine, What’s Mine Is Mine
One of the unspoken rules of marriage: Not even mentioned by the priest as he commits the pair until death. The ethical guideline that a man’s possessions are shared while a woman’s are for her alone has been principally in effect since the dawn of history!
And it’s not just for possessions either; as @CrocketForReal’s tweet suggests, it even works that way for food. Things are different by law, though. Especially when married in community of property, in which case everything belongs to both parties. Of course, that law also applies to fries.
I Know What Happened Last Night
How many things can a person do during the night that they don’t know about? Snore? Speak? Sleepwalk? All of the above is possible, although if sleepwalking occurs, some serious issues like lack of sleep or illness need to be looked into. This is especially true if a person isn’t taking sleeping pills.
Things must get pretty extreme in this marriage if the couple wakes up to debrief one another on their doings the night before. One must also be keeping the other up since if both were getting sleep; no one would be awake to notice anything happening.
Sons Should Be Taught
When one has children, everyone wants to weigh in with advice on raising them. But the one that weighs in more than others is likely the mother-in-law. She is, of course, responsible for raising the wonderful man who helped create that beautiful bundle of joy.
Yet, lo and behold, some mother-in-law’s advice can be hypocritical. Especially in situations like @mom_ontherocks’, where her in-law offers advice on teaching kids to clean up while her darling son leaves things lying in the middle of the living room. Funny enough, it’s been proven that people who get along with their in-laws are more likely to get divorced.
Husbands, No Matter How Right, She’ll Prove Otherwise
Arguments, no matter how intense, lighthearted or friendly, are part and parcel of marriage. Regardless of what it’s about, even if it’s sports and the team one has always supported, the wife will win that argument. This was even before Google could settle all arguments.
This is because somehow, a wife just knows everything. Plus, in the age of smartphones and Google, she now has a way of finding her comeback if she didn’t have one initially. Plus, if the argument seems over because she’s taking her time silently Googling for her comeback, remember it isn’t over until she’s had the last say.
The Married Way Of Doing Things
In modern-day relationships, it’s not uncommon for couples to live together before marrying. People should get to know each other quite well during this time. But no matter how long couples share a place, things change once the nuptials are completed, and not just in terms of transitioning from being an independent person to a family.
This also counts for where to eat, what to eat, and, as @HenpeckedHal discovered, how to fold the towels. Maybe it’s about being in a new home. It’s not like sick building syndrome, though, which is an illness suffered when moving into new homes, caused by the air quality of the new versus the old house.
Up The Wall
When couples are dating, it’s common for them to either drive to each other’s places or for the man to pick up the woman and drive. Once married, they start driving each other around. They also drive one another up the wall with nerves.
This is probably down to the misconception that women are poor drivers. Something that men often initiate and women believe through the illusory truth effect. But this isn’t true in the least, and according to 4autoinsurancequote.com, women cause less than 30% of traffic violations and accidents. This is also why female drivers often get better insurance quotes.
So Who Is Actually Saving More Energy?
Love, marriage, and having one’s own place go hand in hand with another important aspect of life… adulting. This means being more responsible with finances and saving wherever possible. One of the main areas to save is electricity usage. But saving can come with hypocrisy.
In @Darlainky’s case, she is always checked about leaving lights on, while her husband never turns off the TV. But her lightbulb costs less to run than an LED TV. At .12c per kWh, the lightbulb will cost $13.14 to run for a year; the lowest an LED TV on the same terms will cost is $18.
It Wasn’t Me
As previously mentioned, adulting is important in marriage, and the biggest thing about adulting is saving. So heaven forbid someone breaks something in the house, there will be trouble. But some spouses are crafty about things like this, just like @sixfootcandy, who worked out a genius plan to shift the blame.
She broke the toaster oven, but she ended up just straight blaming her husband for it before admitting it. She must know that he would probably have enough self-doubt to believe that somewhere down the line, he broke it. Or, he denies it, and she denies it, and she still gets away with breaking it.
Another common thing that happens once people get married is that they tend to get comfortable with one another. This leads to another common habitual marriage occurrence… letting oneself go. Sometimes it’s just dressing down; other times, it could be little weight gain.
But the biggest thing about this whole change is that the other half’s feelings don’t change. As with @mom_tho, whose other half still thinks she looks glamorous enough to go out, despite still being in pajamas. She seems to think it’s all her charm, though, believing the difference-maker was a cardigan she put on over her PJs.
The Thermostat Games
If there is one thing that is of extreme value in a married household, it’s the thermostat. Any place with central heating has one, and whoever runs the thermostat get the perks of having the house at their ideal temperature. Judging by @dadman_walking’s tweet, he and his wife live by the he/she who set it first rule.
That means whoever sets the first temperature keeps it that way. This probably also means he and his wife run through the house and jump over furniture to get there first. This is wholly unnecessary since the ideal winter thermostat setting is 68ºF and summer is 76ºF, according to online sources.
Damned Straight It’s A Test
@DadBroDad1 is clearly asking a rhetorical question because she should never have to buy her own birthday cake. Even if she does, he should still get one too. It may seem overbearing, but it’s going to save him a lot of unnecessary backlashes.
He better have a lot more than cake on his mind as well. If there’s cake, there’s bound to be a party that’s going to need drinks, food, decorations, and guests. Basically, she will bankrupt him with her birthday wish. But it’s either backlash or going all out.
The Devil Is In The Details
The thing about being married and close to someone is that all of their little irritating niggles come to the fore. This leads to constantly noticing the little thing they do wrong, which can get irritating. From leaving the toilet seat up to drinking too much and even putting the plates into the dishwasher.
That last one seemed to irk @RodLacroix’s wife no end. However, it must be admitted that her disdain with how he puts them into the washer may be why he doesn’t do it. As a lesson to him, plates should ideally go in facing the middle and slanted slightly forward.
YouTube Lessons Paying Off
YouTube has become a reliable source of information and knowledge for people looking to learn new things. From baking to making slime. There are millions of crash courses in anything from fishing to baking. The one thing that isn’t guaranteed, though, is the effectiveness of the lesson.
Cooking and baking are fine because no one will look like an idiot if the cookies have too much cinnamon. But haircuts are pushing it just a little. In fact, there are thousands of hair fail videos on YouTube dealing specifically with the kind of DIY failures @ThugRaccoons is fearful of.
Love In The Modern Day
The year 2020 was the year of social distancing, quarantine, lockdown, and protective masks. The modern world hasn’t experienced anything like this, and the last time anything similar happened was in 1918 when the Spanish Flu wreaked havoc, killing an estimated 2.64 million people. But this time, things aren’t all bad.
Quarantine and lockdown saw people spending more time together than ever before, and it also changed what was seen as romantic. Like @Lhlodder, who discovered how much she loved her husband when he ran all the way back to the car to get her mask after she forgot it.
We Both Know Where It Is
There are plenty of ways to lose a remote. From misplacing it on a trip to the kitchen for a drink to it being swallowed by the couch. These are just some of the common ways that come to mind, but there is always this question before the search: Does someone else know where it is?
Of course, that other person is a spouse, and they do know where it is. Either because they saw it go to the kitchen on that beverage trip or because they know the couch likes to swallow things. As @sixfootcandy implies in her tweet, the other reason is that her spouse is sitting on the said remote.
Adding Another Love Language To The Mix
Love languages have become the common talk in the relationship and marriage game. According to studies, there are five of them: Physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gift-giving. But @XplodingUnicorn seems to have discovered a sixth.
In fact, it was through his wife that he learned of this extra love language, and it was all hers. That language? Donuts! It’s unclear if she liked to make them or liked to buy them, but they appear to be her way of showing affection. So sweet… literally and figuratively. It’s a lesser-known fact that sweetness releases dopamine, which makes people happy.
The Perils Of Getting Too Used To One Another
Remember that bit about becoming comfortable with partners letting go? Well, this is what happens when a couple becomes a little too comfortable. Partners not only stop seeing the negative but stop seeing the person altogether. That may be a bit over the top, but it happens.
Like poor @sarcasticmommy4. After 20 years of marriage, her husband returns from six days away and is more excited about the dog than his wife. That situation should clearly be the other way around, although they say a dog is a man’s favorite companion. Here’s hoping his expectations for later were low!
The Difference Between A Boyfriend And A Husband
Some believe that marriage is like a switch. The minute it happens, people become different. This likely has something to do with dating always involving trying to make everything perfect and actually doing everything right. This changes once people marry… sometimes.
In this instance, at least @GoodSheWrites’ husband tried to do something special for her on their anniversary. Unfortunately, like a true married man, his meticulous planning was… well, not so meticulous. The big question is, was his planning better before they were married, or, like the dishwasher incident from earlier, does it just annoy her now that they’re married.
Here Comes Hubby, Look Busy
Marriage has modernized over the years with both partners working and sometimes women actually earning more money. But some remain old-school, with a husband going out to make money and the wife not working, keeping the home instead. There’s just one problem with doing that in modern times.
Unlike back in the day when the radio and television had a specific time for housewives’ content, nowadays services like SiriusXM, Netflix, and Hulu can distract a homemaking mother from her duties all day. This is why @survivingmommy_ tracked her husband’s location so that she could at least make it look like she was busy.
Try To Shift The Blame Somewhere Else
With all the lockdowns and quarantines these days, the office has become a thing of the past. People have also been spending a lot more time together being at home. Plus, many more have had to start working from home and making all the work-style coffees and lunches there too.
With that being said, people missed the office dynamic, especially when there were only two people to blame for the pile of dishes or coffee spills. But to avoid being harsh with each other, @mollytolsky and her husband created an imaginary colleague. One with all the personality traits of that colleague who always does irritating things!
A Miracle SpaghettiO Face
With 2020 turning out the way it did and people needing to stay indoors, there was very little excitement to enjoy. So, many small things became achievements and excitement, and that why @MatthewBurnsid7 rushed to be by his wife’s side when she screamed with excitement while cooking.
It turns out while stirring the SpaghettiO she was making; she pulled out a little smiley face. It can be called a moment of hope for a very challenging year. It must also have been a very mundane period for the couple, considering how excited they got for this simple achievement. Cabin fever is also known as stir crazy, after all.
It’s Difficult To Compromise Sometimes
The thing about getting married, especially for people who have already achieved and acquired things, is finding space in one place for both people’s stuff. Often that means a little compromise, with each person in the marriage sacrificing an item to give away or sell.
But sometimes, what a spouse is expected to pass with can be sentimental and expensive at the same time. Like this recliner, which obviously has sentimental value to @bartandsoul, and is difficult to let go of. It’s unclear why storage isn’t an option, but he must’ve fought hard to keep that thing.
Who Does A Thing Like That?
There are plenty of things that spouses can get away with. Marriages have survived constantly lifted toilet seats, leaving removed socks in the middle of the living room and plates incorrectly put in the dishwasher. But it’s unlikely that a marriage could survive this next mistake.
That’s because nobody eats unfrosted Pop-Tarts, yet @SixFootCandy’s husband thought that it was okay to bring some home. Although there was a demand for the Cherry unfrosted pop tart to return… maybe her husband thought he’d bring those home to try. Let’s hope she doesn’t actually file for divorce because of this.
Get Smart About Popcorn
Remember all that “yours is mine, mine is mine” stuff mentioned at the start of this story? Well, it doesn’t stop with fries and is, in fact, worse when it comes to popcorn. As @FatherWithTwins points out, she will say she doesn’t want popcorn but will proceed to eat whatever her husband got for himself.
The solution? A jumbo box of popcorn. She may even complain that it’s too big for one person, but that will also motivate her to eat more of it. Not that there’s such a thing as too much popcorn since it’s filled with fiber that helps with digestive health.
Building A Pile Of Leverage
This trait doesn’t only go for spouses, but girlfriends, sisters, and even mothers. The only difference between those women and a wife is that a wife won’t let things slide easily. Instead, a wife will hold onto leverage for a long time, ten years if @Average_Dad1 is to be believed.
Everything can act as leverage, from loans to the time she paid for dinner to that gift she bought that she said was okay with being returned for the cash. One day a line will be crossed, and when it is, that leverage will be on hand to be used as a winning goal in an argument.
So Who’s Going First?
When relationships are in their early stages, couples spend much of a phone call telling the other person to put the phone down first. It’s the whole “I don’t want to stop hearing your voice so you end the call” thing that makes the whole interaction so sweet.
But the “you first, no you first” game starts manifesting itself in less sweet situations, like putting out the bathroom trash can. Then, as @TheCatWhisperer pointed out, it becomes a game of chicken, and it goes for more than just putting out the trash. Next, it’s making lunch and paying the rent.
That’s How To Evict An Annoying Person
Lockdown hasn’t been all fun and games for some couples. While everyone was on about spending more time with loved ones, not many thought about what would happen by spending too much time together. Clearly, @3sunzzz discovered this when she got mad with her husband and bought a dozen throw pillows to replace him.
She probably wouldn’t have been so angry at him if she just took fairygodboss.com’s advice about making more time for herself and taking some alone time with her hobbies. Boundaries are also important to create a balance between relationships and other life aspects.
Guess Who Is In Charge In This Marriage
There’s an old saying that goes, “the family who eats together stays together.” It unclear what is said about a family who diets together, but someone may want to tell @TheNYAMProject about this saying if she values her marriage. Because if she doesn’t eat healthy with her husband, they won’t be eating together.
She is entitled to her objections, and she may achieve her goal. All things considered, she speaks like her defiance will eventually yield results. It wouldn’t hurt to eat healthy, especially with the effect that 2020 lockdowns had on people’s weight. Wendy Williams is a fine example of weight loss due to healthy eating during the lockdown.
This Is How We Do It
Many life lessons are learned after getting married: How to pack a dishwasher, not leaving the toilet seat up, and the correct way to pack milk into the refrigerator. That’s right; there’s a correct way to put milk into the refrigerator.
Firstly, it must be stored away from food with odors because it can absorb those odors. It’s also better to store milk in the fridge itself, instead of the door, which can be slightly warmer than the inside. Importantly, if it has a handle, make that face outward so that it’s easy to grab.
If a couple can get the teamwork part of their relationship down, then being married shouldn’t be complicated. But that does mean sharing some tedious jobs. This includes doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and taking the dog for a walk to do its business.
For some, it’s a burden having to do these things every day. But for others, like @sixfootcandy, it’s a blessing in disguise. This is because, now that everything is split evenly, it means she only has to do certain chores every other day. Unless her husband decides that walking the dog together is good for bonding.
More Than One Way To Cheat
Any spouse out there who thinks cheating only involves physical intimacy with another person, think again. Being caught doing anything behind a partner’s back could be considered cheating. Even just getting pizza and not bringing anything back for wifey could be considered cheating of the highest degree.
This is why @maryfairybobrry has hit the nail right on the head with her synopsis of her husband’s pizza sauce stains. He could just have brought a slice home and shared some love. Now he’ll have to get that stain out himself, which involves a procedure of either white vinegar or lemon juice, detergent, and mild bleach.
The Harsh Reality Of Messing With The Thermostat
In the previous thermostat-related item, it was all about the method of gaining control of the temperature. This one deals with the repercussions of trying to wrestle that control away or sneakily changing it. In the case of @SladeWentworth, the repercussions appear to be pretty harsh.
He intimates that he might go missing after his latest stunt, a bit harsh, although it sounds like he may have been pre-warned. It may not even be his first transgression. The thing is, would he really sacrifice his life for just one degree?
The Things Learned After Marriage
Some people date for a long time and learn everything there is about a person. Then some do shotgun weddings and learn as they go along. The one common denominator is that in both instances, spouses will learn a lot about one another.
Like @TheNYAMProject discovered that her husband eats spaghetti with a spoon. How has she been with him through dating and marriage and only discovered in May 2020 that he eats spaghetti with a spoon? Shouldn’t she have known this from the first time she made it for him? Maybe she’s doesn’t know about using a spoon and a fork to eat it.
Being Honest From Far Away
Maybe it was the lockdown that made her do it. Either she was too afraid to say it to his face, or she just missed sending messages so much she decided to criticize her husband, Jacob Soboroff’s, brownies by texting him. Either way, he didn’t seem too impressed by the way she did it.
This is accepted in the office, where IM services are seen as a way of keeping the noise down. But at home, it’s better to come out and say the brownies are lacking something. On another note, how does one blow a recipe that’s just melted butter, sugar, cocoa powder, vanilla, eggs, flour, baking powder, and salt?
Everything Is 50/50
Yes, everything is 50/50 when married in community of property. But that’s not all that’s half-and-half. So too is doing chores. Like @RodLacroix intimates in this tweet. Half the time, a wife will be upset that husbands don’t do enough chores, while the other half of the time, she complains he isn’t doing them right.
Bear in mind; it’s not hard to do laundry. Rodney just must have been too lazy or impatient to separate the colors from the whites. That must be what angered her about her shirt being ruined. Other times, it’s 50/50 because of marital bliss.
Bringing Out The Good Stuff
There’s a reason mothers kept the good china in the cupboard. So that when the snooty lady from church came over for tea, she was drinking it out of the finest cups. This is the same reason @troyjohnson doesn’t get to use the snazzy hand towels when drying his hands.
Keeping up appearances might seem a little superficial, but looking good for guests does wonders for people’s self-esteem. It also improves social standing, meaning more parties and more opportunities to use good hand towels. But as a renowned foodie and food critic, Johnson should have a booming social life.
Alexa is the latest craze by Amazon, which is very similar to Google Home. It’s like a personal assistant who can play music, make to-do lists, read the news and even skip a wife’s long story about her day at work. Okay, that last one is a lie.
But @PoodleSnarf seemed to think he could do it and actually tried to skip his wife’s story using the device. Then again, his tweet has no context, and it could be that he was asking the device to skip a song, which offended his wife because he interrupted her story to do it. Either way, he probably slept on the couch that evening.
Getting Away With The One Crime That Can’t Be Forgiven
There are two things a spouse must never forget: their partner’s birthday and their wedding anniversary. This is one thing that surely can’t be forgiven, especially when a husband forgets. But what happens if both people in the marriage forget about the big day? Well, @simoncholland considered it a great gift.
But while he may have saved himself from a massive fight on the day, he isn’t entirely out of the woods. Because if wifey remembers, he could see a blameshifting move ala the toaster oven move from earlier. He may still get his fight too.
In Marriage, The Perfect Hiding Place Doesn’t Exist
Things must be really overboard for a mother to wants to hide from her children. It must be really hectic when a husband feels he needs to hide from his wife. That’s what @sarcasticmommy4’s tweet is all about, though, and shows that they probably need a little alone time for some R&R.
This should actually be an essential part of married life. While quality time together is important, according to an article on huffpost.com, alone time is imperative to keeping in touch with oneself and also just letting off some steam. It should be official, though, and not spent in a walk-in closet.
Knowing Him/Her Too Well
One of the major chain reactions of being married is that spouses learn to know everything about one another. This can be both good and bad, depending on how the intel is used. In @XplodingUnicorn’s case, it seemed to work out perfectly.
In his case, he knew her so well that instead of getting her an extravagant anniversary gift, he did something she always liked to do. While for him, it was a lazy night in, for others, it could be different. This could be anything from a dinner date or skydiving. Luckily for James, he hit it right on the money.
Coping With Bad News Together
Everybody has their own way of letting off steam, especially after a long day. Whether it’s a workout or a couple of drinks, it’s a great way to just kick back, relax and get rid of some tension. Of course, a massage does the same thing, and other things too.
Sometimes just watching a movie with a significant other is good enough. However, @sarahcpr isn’t escaping any disturbing or anxiety-inducing content by watching The Shining. It’s said that while filming, leading lady Shelley Duval was so stressed that the tears in the final scenes were not fake. This was due to director Stanley Kubrick’s mannerisms.
Finding The Home Office Is Harder Than It Seems
The 2020 lockdowns did lead to many home offices being created all over the world. But not everyone had it easy, though. Especially with so many others around and no one understanding the boundaries required for a successful office at home. Take @jellybnbonanza’s experience as an example.
She made her husband move his office to the basement after she could be heard singing in the background during one of his meetings. The big question is, shouldn’t he have chosen the basement for his office in the first place? It’s the perfect spot. A quiet spot is one of the important criteria.
Bonded By Hatred For The Same Things
It’s said that a common enemy unites people, and sometimes that unity involves a disdain for the same things. Of course, a little perspective is needed, with vitriol needing to be aimed at the right kind of enemy. According to @IndecisiveJones, this is the kind person who is marriage material.
This could be the kind of couple that stands on the front line for causes; as long as it’s not vitriolic hate, there’s no harm to it. Of course, hatred is often frowned upon and is a polarizing emotion. However, there is a school of thought that considers hate and anger therapeutic.
Making The Right Choice
If there is one thing the quarantine and lockdown have tested, it’s people’s relationships. Without jobs, offices, and the general activities of normality, people have had to spend a lot more time around each other and discover more things they like and ultimately dislike. This is where @VodkaAndCheeze’s tweet gets its perspective.
Plenty of people marry because their partner fits into their daily life. This is why people date for a while. But a new test of a relationship’s resolve is to spend time cooped up together. As the tweet suggests, a relationship that can survive a quarantine can survive anything.
The Real Secret To Staying Married For Half A Century
Here’s a little honesty to take home and apply. The key to a successful marriage, at least according to @GinferHotDish’s mother, is two people not hating each other on the same day. Sound advice from someone who has been married for over half a century.
Fifty-five years is a long time to avoid hating and being hated simultaneously, but the point of view isn’t lost. At least that way, one person has the clear mindset to stop things from reaching a point where someone files for divorce. It also means that the other always had the wherewithal to concede when in the wrong.